It's been a very long time since my last post and for those who were hoping for updates on our decision to adopt, I'm sorry! I guess you could say that we became wrapped up in the world around us and quite frankly, in our own desires.
Our feelings for adoption were so strong last year... We were eager to start! And then we saw the pricetag associated with it... We were knee deep in our renovation and penny-less because of it. Our house was a construction site complete with exposed concrete, nails and wires. To say that we were busy is an understatement. Josh was in the middle of graduate school and training for the Ironman race which he completed in November (Go Josh!) and I was pushing to get my new business off the ground from my college drafting table in our spare bedroom. The point is, we decided it wasn't the right time. We decided we needed to start 'trying' for a biological child and pick up adoption when things slowed down and we were financially ready... In a few years. We decided, we decided, we decided. Let me share something I have learned about the way God works in our lives. He doesn't care about our time-lines, our reasoning or our busy schedules.
When he set the desire on our hearts to adopt, he was speaking so clearly that there really was no denying that it was His plan for our lives. And even now, almost 1 year later, I can tell you that His voice is still coming in loud and clear... Whether or not I was listening is a different story. In May of last year, Josh and I did get pregnant. We were thrilled that it had only taken us 2 months of trying. In late May we miscarried and we were crushed... I can't tell you how completely heartbroken I was. The months that followed, even up until this very post, were filled with my obsession to have it back. We had almost forgotten about adoption... Almost. I still had dreams about it, I still heard songs that brought me back to it... But I think I purposely closed my eyes and ears to what God was trying to tell me. I watched as my friends became pregnant, had their beautiful babies and my selfishness grew as my eyes closed.
I was on the phone with a friend, crushed and heartbroken, explaining to her the trials of the last 8 months. The conversation began with a request for prayer that God would bless us with another pregnancy. But through all of the talk, she asked me about our desire to adopt. I told her about the signs we'd experienced and the ways God was telling us that he wanted us to go. But that we just wanted to have our own child first. She was amazed at the clarity of His voice in our lives! And through her excitement, I finally started to listen and see again. She explained that God has the power to open and close wombs... That God's plan is always greater than ours. I'm not sure how we got so lost on our path. When we made the decision to adopt we were, at that very moment, pregnant. Our child was waiting to be with us! How could I have wanted anything else? How could I have let my own desires get in the way of something God was commanding us to do. Only God knows what is best for our lives and if we were hurting, it was because we stopped listening to him. It was because of our disobedience to him and our introspectiveness. We were hurt because God was not helping us to get our way! But He had already shown us the way and we were swimming hard against the current. I felt myself turn and in an instant, all of the self inflicted sadness was gone. I felt God pick me up.
To my baby: I heard these songs today and I thought of you.
Days will come when you don't have the strength. When all you hear is your not worth anything. Wondering if you ever could be loved. And if they truly saw your heart they'd see to much.
You were made for so much more than all of this.
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are HIS.
Mercy Me - Beautiful
He cries in the corner where nobody sees.
He's the kid with the story no one would believe.
He prays every night, "Dear God won't be please
Could you send someone here who would love me."
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
Because nobody has shown me what love really means.
JJ Heller - Love Me
It doesn't matter what you've heard
impossible is not a word
its just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
when they decide to take that step
out on the water, but it will be alright.
Kutless - What Faith Can Do
Whether or not we get pregnant in the next year is no longer a concern of ours. We know that God is in control and we lay all of our faith in Him alone. In the meantime, we will pray for His gentle guidance as we continue to research and save; We already have $4,000! We are asking for prayer from our friends and family because we know this won't be easy. But are absolutely positive that we are moving in the direction God intended us to move in, and that makes all the difference in a life. If you've just read all of this, thank you for making it through my endless banter! It was tough to wrap the last 8 months into one post... :-) I'm excited to see what the next few month bring as we aggressively pursue our dreams.